Getting What You Want

Posted on 09. Feb, 2010 by Susan in Get What You Want

Ask the questions that can move you forward

“I never get what I want, and it sucks!” My client was almost as irritated as I had been when Ray the Beagle, then a puppy, chewed through a Lands’ End shipping box and used four pairs of new leather school shoes as teething rings. Almost.

Martha Beck, the insanely talented genius who trained me, recently wrote in the first chapter draft of her new book in progress, The Team, (get your free chapter here) two questions that she asks herself continuously:

  1. How did I get here?
  2. What do I do next?

Fabulous questions to ask–especially since she asked them as she was faced with a mama rhinoceros protecting her young, during one of her retreats in Africa. Practical and useful given that situation. And, given my client’s circumstances.

Instead, I find that most of us, who are not getting what we think we want, are asking the wrong questions. Instead of the two simple path tweakers above, the decidedly “unlucky” will ask:

  1. Who did this to me? And
  2. Who is going to fix this for me?

Notice the difference? Hint: the second set of questions is victim like. No sense of independence or of living as a creator.

We can relearn how to create what we want from kids. Take my nine-year-old daughter, Emily, for example. Sassiness on wheels, she continuously astounds me with her resourcefulness. Despite being born into our clearly crazy family, and the fact that she has a life coach for a mother, she thrives.

Several months ago, Emily asked me if she could have a “girl. dog.” Apparently, I hadn’t noticed the huge problem that all of our pets (2 beagles, 1 cat, 2 ferrets and 1 hamster) were all male. The horror. I politely declined her invitation (over and over and over again) to add another thing that pees to our family.

Jake

Jake, soon to have a sister

She kept asking. She got more creative in her requests and propositions. Until one day, I took her bait. If you’ve ever read my blog or Facebook status updates, you know that Jake, our skinny Beagle, is a challenging subject. He’s not exactly bringing home trophies from obedience training. So when Emily offered to train Jake in exchange for getting a girl puppy, I agreed. Of course! This is a deal that I cannot lose! Train JAKE?! I laughed. She asked why I did not have faith in her. I told her that I had truckloads of faith in her, just not in her subject. I underestimated both of them.

Emily bought a booked called Dog Training for Dummies, watched my DVD’s of the Dog Whisperer, and bought special liver treats for her training experiment. We agreed on five tricks that she would teach Jake. Once Jake could consistently sit, stay, beg, drop, and do a circle trick, we would know that Emily had done her job.

I was so amused by her optimism.

A few days later, I was attending a “graduation ceremony” for Jake, complete with a special certificate Emily made him.

The darned dog was actually trainable! And Emily had done it! It was Emily’s turn for amusement. Now I am shopping for a girl puppy.

The lessons here are both simple and profound:

  1. Ask yourself constantly: How did I get here, and what will I do next?
    Stop waiting for other people to solve your issues for you. It’s your life. Live it. Ask yourself powerful questions to create a vision.
  2. Create a plan. Come up with tiny steps to inch toward your vision.
  3. Celebrate! When you reach your vision, enjoy it!
  4. Never underestimate the magic of strong intentions. Find. A. Way.

Brace yourself for an onslaught of blog posts about our new addition. I know she’ll be amazing, as she was created with the best of intentions.

Life Is Like Coffee

Posted on 10. Apr, 2009 by Susan in Motivation

Spend more time on your coffee than your life?  I have friends who drive a few hours every few months to buy and stock up on a specific blend of coffee.  If they can’t make the drive, they pay to have it shipped.  But ask these guys what their personal goals are for the year, and they get all fidgety.  Must be the caffeine.  But seriously, if you focus more on your cup of Joe than you do fulfillment, you’ll have mornings filled with yummy coffee and not much else.  The truth is, that having a delicious life is less about having some perfect, mystical balance. It’s all about the blend.

If you are a coffee connoisseur (addict) like me, you probably spend some time gazing at coffee brands online, in the market and coffee houses considering all of the flavors and options. Caffeinated or Decaf?  (Ok. That was a little joke. I never consider Decaf.)  Whole bean or ground? Mild or bold roast?  Organic and free trade?  The choices and detail that go into selecting a delicious blend of coffee are plenty.  But all too often, when it comes to our own lives, we stick with the same old Maxwell House, because it’s what we know and “it was good enough for my parents.”

Many times when I ask clients what they want, they aren’t really sure. They just know that their current result is not quite what they ordered.  Whether it’s carrying extra weight, withering in a career that feels all wrong, or spinning to try and make their business take off, there is something in the blend that tastes funny.

Personally, I’ve abandoned the silly notion that I need balance.  I’m actually happiest when I consider the blend of my life instead of trying to compartmentalize and make everything “even Steven.”  To create the unique blend for your life, ask yourself the following questions:

1.    How would I like my life to be different?  Look at what your life result is right now. How does this differ from what you really want? Get specific. Is it to lose 25 pounds? Make more money? Have a job that is fun?

2.    Why do I want this?  This is truly an important question.  Sometimes we think we want something, but when we ask ourselves “Why?” we discover we only wanted it because it sounded good, or to please a spouse, etc.  The motivation behind your goal is as important as the goal itself.  You will have a much harder time creating a result that is not in line with your soul.

3.    What am I telling myself about why I do not have this already?  Just for today, be a scientist of yourself and observe without judgment the dialog going on in your head.  What’s the chatter about?  Is it kind? It really is true that “what you think about, you bring about.”  If you tell yourself that you are dumb, lazy and stuck in a rut, that’s what you’ll get more of…every time.

4.    What can I think and do to create the life blend that I want?  This is they money shot right here.  Tiny example:  I want to finish writing a book.  The thought right now that I believe and feels good is, “Show up on the page for fifteen minutes.”  I can hang with fifteen minutes. Sure!  That motivates me to write during small pockets of time.  Not a fancy affirmation….just a tiny pivot in my thinking toward what I want.

When I wake up, I ask myself, “What’s the Susan Blend today?”  Always caffeinated, usually bold and strong, and always, always delicious to me.  What’s your blend?

Weight Loss Coaching in 2009!

Posted on 07. Jan, 2009 by Susan in Weight Loss

Lessons In Travel

Posted on 21. Dec, 2008 by Susan in Motivation

I often tell my clients that learning coaching tools is like winning the mental lottery. Much of the time I literally feel like I’ve won the powerball. It’s because I’ve learned how to create thoughts and feelings that get me the results in my life that I want. It’s actually much better than just being a lucky ticket holder. I create the ticket. Much more fun.

Last week I spent a week in LA working, and was very happy to be catching a 6 am flight back to my family, my pets, my red chair, and my fireplace. I arrived at LAX with plenty of time to check in, get through security, and grab a Starbucks before boarding.  Have you BEEN in a major airport a week before Christmas?  When I walked through the automatic doors and my left and right brain had a split second to assess the several thousand travelers, lines that rivaled any at Disney World, and the panic energy that permeated, I knew that I was CLEARLY not as “on time” as I thought.
I stood in line at the self check-in machine for twenty minutes.  When I entered my flight information, it would not let me check in as I had missed the “must check in 60 minutes prior to departure” deadline by one minute.  I looked up at the lines of tired and angry travelers, glanced at my watch, and felt my heart begin pounding, and sweat bead up on my forehead.  And then, and THEN, I heard my thoughts swirling with, “You are going to miss your flight and there isn’t another one to Evansville until tomorrow. You are so screwed. Why didn’t you get here earlier…”  You get the picture. Listening to these thoughts, I was ready to stand in a long line to get rerouted or fly standby or find a hotel for the night.
This is where it gets good.  Here is how I self coached myself onto my 6 am flight:
What is the result that I want?
To get on that 6 am flight.
Thinking that it is impossible to make it is not going to get me there. What do I need to think and believe to make it happen?
There is a way. Someone in charge is going to get me on that flight.
What can I DO to make it happen?
Find an airline manager or someone in charge and talk to them.
How does that feel?
Much better, thank you.
In about ten seconds, I completely shifted my thoughts away from what I didn’t want, to a result that I did want. My thoughts and feelings pivoted. I wasn’t ignoring the circumstance that the airport was slammed, that the lines were so long that if I stood in them I would miss the flight, or that it was now only 30 minutes until they would start boarding, and I was standing in the main ticketing area with no ticket and not bag checked.  I chose to focus on the result that I did want, and went to work to prove THAT true,
I looked around and spotted a woman in charge, Hey, she had on a fancy blazer, walked around like a badass,  and was carrying a walkie talkie. She was in charge in my book.  Just to make a very long story short, the airline saint took me over to a ticket counter, printed me a boarding pass, checked in my bag and had someone take it to the front of the security screening area, and instructed me to RUN to my gate.
And I ran.  I ran in my tight jeans and cowboy boots, with my enormously huge purse that could swallow a small child, and my laptop case.  I talked my way to the front of the security line with my story of not wanting to miss the only flight home to my family.  People helped me. Mean looking, scowling, yet adorable security men and women allowed me to go to the front of the line.  Tired and cranky passengers let me go right pass them and cheered for me when they saw that I was going to get through.
And I ran some more. About a half a mile to my gate.  And all the while I kept saying, “You are going to make it.”
I screeched up to to the departure counter at 5:58 am. The waiting area was empty.  The door was shut.  But the plane was still there.  I could barely talk to the gate agent I was breathing so hard. I asked/stated, “I’m not too late.”  She said, “Yes, you are.”  I said, “I was here on time and ran as fast as I could.”  And, with that, in silence, she walked over to the door, punched in her security code, and reopened the door.
I made it.
But I wouldn’t have gotten on that plane without a change in my thoughts.  My thoughts created the platform of possibility, which changed my feeling from irritation to hope, which changed my actions, which led to my desired result.
This isn’t a lesson in how to talk your way around airport personnel and security.
It’s a lesson in how to make it.  ANYTHING. Whatever your circumstance. You can get there. Even if it seems impossible.
Sure, there’s running involved.  But it was the best half mile I think I’ve ever sprinted.
Think.  Feel.  DO.  Enjoy.

An Election Party?

Posted on 29. Oct, 2008 by Susan in Inspiration

Just when I was getting ready to ignore the negative headlines, my local paper, The Evansville Courier and Press, caught my attention with an article about having an ELECTION PARTY.

A party. With the election as the theme.  I danced. Here’s why….
As a coach, I get to hear about my clients’ most intimate wishes, goals, and the limiting thoughts that get in their way.  Having the privilege of witnessing them as their essential selves, and seeing the extraordinary things that they do when they get out of their own way, just about moves me to tears daily.
Lately, there have been plenty of coaching sessions around the economy and the election.  I coach liberals, conservatives, democrats, republicans, and sometimes my beagle (but that’s another blog altogether).  What’s interesting is what stories my clients tell themselves that trigger hysteria on both sides of the isle.  Lot of folks, it seems, believe that the white house and the dow create or take away their happiness.  My clients know that this kind of talk leads to
my favorite coaching tool : mockery.
I can’t help but laugh at this.  One of my core beliefs is that I create my life, my happiness, my joy regardless of my savings and my president. Seriously.
So, with all of the anxiety out there, I was stunned to see my newspaper’s suggestion of having an ELECTION PARTY. These are two words that I had not considered uttering together. And why not?  There’s a lot to celebrate.
Instead of telling yourself an awful, scary, icky story about the current world circumstances, turn your attention to what is cool.  I’ll get you started:  No matter who is elected, our country will make history by having either an African American or a woman in the white house.
What can you tell yourself that you believe and feels better than the YUK that’s spreading around?
Notice how you feel. Choose your thoughts.